Secular Thursday: The Approbation That Left Me

I have, in my files of "precious papers never to be thrown away," a test from high school. On the front cover of the blue book is a simple message.

"Simply the best. Thanks."

I should interject here that if you went to high school with me, you can probably guess within a teacher or two who might've said that and whose opinion would have mattered enough to me to keep it, but that's more or less beside the point.

It's been a long time since I was the best. It's been a long time, rather, since I've garnered any praise for any of my actions. I've read Alfie Kohn and I know I shouldn't give a rat's ass about outside approval, but guess what? I do. I was raised on a steady diet of A+, awards, and verbal approbation, and it's been a long hard hill to slide down.

I realized it might be out of hand a few days ago. Now, I knew it was weird when the spousal unit, or my parents, or wage-earning friends would describe an annual review in the workplace, and I'd feel a twinge of envy. I saw a passing reference last week, on the WTM boards, from someone who lives in a state where they are evaluated. It was about an idea she'd gotten from her evaluator. My reaction was a little telling - I found myself thinking, for a brief moment, "Hey! I wish I had an evaluator."

I desperately want one of Rachel Berry's gold stars.

Don't get me wrong; the spousal unit will dutifully tell me I'm doing decently, and I have friends that will tell me the same. It's been startlingly long, however, since anyone I would consider an observer or even slightly unbiased has been handing out the praise. The world's still not sure about stay at home moms, not now, and then I had to go and add something like homeschooling to it. Forget praise; most of society is figuring out how to get in a dig without my realizing it.

Hint to society: I'm smarter than you must think, because I catch those digs.

Why is this a secular Thursday topic, you ask? Don't all homeschooling parents experience these difficulties?

I don't know. I have heard tell, though, of churches and organizations of churches where homeschooling is expected. Women are praised for the work they do with their children. This almost sounds appealing, though limiting. I mean, if you don't want to keep homeschooling, then you're sort of stuck. So I figure, this might be worse for the secular ones. Especially those of us who have feminist leanings, who were considered smarter than the average bear, or just plain like getting noticed.

I really miss the positive comments, outside affirmation, and literal or figurative gold stars. It's going to be a long time before even the kids say "Thanks." I empathize with the actives on Dollhouse, always asking "Did I do my best?"

Until I get my answer and my confirmation, I'll keep my old test, and remember that once upon a time, I did.